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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 7:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2018 4:48 pm
Posts: 17
I was wondering if anyone else is feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt tonight ahead of the 11+ tests tomorrow?

My son was hitting borderline scores of 65-75% on CEM papers up until last week and the last few days his highest score has been 62% with most other scores being 40-60%.

I have been self-tutoring and now feel incredibly guilty as if I haven’t gone about things the right way and that I should have done more. He is mentally exhausted, I’ve asked him to just switch off completely this afternoon and evening in the hope that some much needed rest will help him be ready for the morning. Really not feeling too hopeful :(


Last edited by fingers crossed on Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 7:28 pm 
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I think that's only natural. I've not been an active contributor to this forum, largely because I am in awe of the knowledge of others.

I have tried to do my best for my daughter, and my husband the same. We DIY-ed too, feeling that tuition centres and private tutors were not the right approach for our family. I think that was a sensible choice, knowing DD's character, but I also had that 'night before' feeling that maybe we hadn't done the right thing, whatever that is.

I also can't decide whether we did too much or too little. We tried not to put pressure on, but looking back I realise just how much we and the system expect of a child. Could we have done more work, preparation, tutoring etc? Yes. Should we have done more? I'm not so sure. Chances of success are slim here, and keeping DD happy and relaxed was important.

I don't know how I'll feel on results day. Obviously if she has done well, I'll be past caring about how well she was prepared. If she's not done so well, I hope we'll move on, knowing that she tried, and we tried to support her. But I can imagine a little voice in my head telling me that we should have gone for formal tutoring, put more hours is, or even not applied in the first place. It's hard, isn't it.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 8:13 pm 
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Hi fingers,

Just wanted to reply to your post as you sound like you’re giving yourself a hard time.

Remember that mum guilt is the standard state of mind for most of us. It’s related to how much you want to do the best for your DC, not related to how well you have actually done by them.

I feel it a LOT but honestly, I do the best I know how to do at that moment in time.

I’m pretty sure you have done all you possibly could to support your DC. Give yourself a break - you sound like a very decent mum to me. Xx


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 9:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 8:04 pm
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I completely sympathise. You start the journey wanting to give your ‘bright’ child the very best opportunities and chances and you end up questioning whether you’ve just bullied your child into doing something that given the chance, they’d have categorically said no to. It’s huge pressure and will be a massive knock of confidence if they don’t get into a grammar school. But then trying to reason with myself I also tell myself it’s no different to a child who dances, entering competitions and rehearsing all the hours under the sun, or a child who swims, entering a gala. It’s all life experience. If you don’t try, you don’t get. Above all though, we’re all doing the best we know how and no adult ever didn’t get where they wanted to be because of a score in an 11 plus. They’re all already destined for greatness whether it be at grammar school or not, because they have parents who care and won’t let them achieve any less.

Best of luck to your DC tomorrow. Please don’t feel guilty xx


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:32 am 
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Thank you all-your words mean a lot. Good luck to all of your D.C.

I just really feel for my DS as he is horrendously bullied in the school he is in, we live in a small village so getting in to grammar school is his way to ‘escape’ his bullies and it is 25 miles from our home so no other local children will be going there (apart from our older DS)

I’m just keeping myself going with the chance of sitting a 12+ next September worst case-but what will be will be :)


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:40 pm 
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I really hope your son felt okay with the whole process this morning :-)
My daughter was so worked up this morning. After the test she said she found it very difficult and missed lots of questions out. This was not a problem when practicing at home. I guess it was just down to nerves on the day.
Sending lots of luck your way x


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2018 11:55 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2018 11:37 am
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My daughter took the test yesterday. She had some tutoring but not much, we mainly did books at home
the tutor wanted £672 for tutoring over the 6 weeks hols but we said thats enough!! My dd was the same
hitting around 67% and 56 on a mock test she sat with the tutor. My husband said the same thing that we
did not arm her enough as we walked in. However, when she came out and said we wasted money on
tutoring as most of the work the tutor did with her was not in the test. She also said it was much easier
than the mock. Dont feel bad I have the attitude if its meant to be it will, you did your best. I am sure
your child will do well which ever school they end up in have faith !!!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:36 am 
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Location: Herts
£672?

How many hours was that for and what would she have been doing?

That is a lot of money and lucky you did not waste your time and money.

Shocking to hear that the tutoring you had was not related to the type of material that she had in the exam.

Were you checking the work that was coming home and making sure it was related to the stated content material of the exam that was on the website?

Which exam did your dd take? DG


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:34 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2016 7:32 pm
Posts: 177
A4Armadillo wrote:
I think that's only natural. I've not been an active contributor to this forum, largely because I am in awe of the knowledge of others.

I have tried to do my best for my daughter, and my husband the same. We DIY-ed too, feeling that tuition centres and private tutors were not the right approach for our family. I think that was a sensible choice, knowing DD's character, but I also had that 'night before' feeling that maybe we hadn't done the right thing, whatever that is.

I also can't decide whether we did too much or too little. We tried not to put pressure on, but looking back I realise just how much we and the system expect of a child. Could we have done more work, preparation, tutoring etc? Yes. Should we have done more? I'm not so sure. Chances of success are slim here, and keeping DD happy and relaxed was important.

I don't know how I'll feel on results day. Obviously if she has done well, I'll be past caring about how well she was prepared. If she's not done so well, I hope we'll move on, knowing that she tried, and we tried to support her. But I can imagine a little voice in my head telling me that we should have gone for formal tutoring, put more hours is, or even not applied in the first place. It's hard, isn't it.


EXACTLY how I felt / still feel.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2018 6:40 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2018 1:03 pm
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My son took the 11+ last year - and I was the opposite, we did the tutors (one on one and group) - we did the books at home. I can honestly say 'it's all on the day' - whatever we do as parents, we are always going to doubt ourselves. Did we do enough? Did I do too much (in my case)? What will be will be, and whatever happens, they really do end up where they are meant to (as useless as that sounds). Don't beat yourself up, being a parent is a learning curve and we can only do our best.
Burn your books, hug your kids (they're only 10), know your worth, because at the end of the day it's just a school (something I forgot for a while and needed to remind myself)
xx


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